And
by wolvesjr34
Summary: It's Maura's wedding day and Jane is faced with a difficult decision. How much does she love her best friend? How far would Jane go to ensure Maura's happiness? Sometimes love is all there is, and sometimes it leads you down a difficult path, and sometimes it takes the brave to stand tall in the face of heartache.


**A/N: This is something new for me, I've never written in second person before. This story was inspired partly by music and partly by the thought of what might explain the canon relationship. With so much chemistry and love, why are they this way? I think in some ways this answers it, from Jane's perspective anyway.**

* * *

Outside the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the breeze is perfect. It is a truly gorgeous day, perfect for a wedding. Inside you're changing into your outfit. You don't really understand why she wants a big church wedding because she doesn't believe in God, but you know that she's worth everything and anything if only it would bring that warm smile to her face. It's just a shame that inside, you're chilled to the bone and feeling more lost than ever.

You had always known this day would come, how could it not? Maura Isles is the most amazing person you have ever known. She comes from money, but instead of acting entitled she is driven to make her own way in the world and that is exactly what she has done. You knew that eventually she would need more than your friendship; that she needed to create a family of her own and while you would always be family, she needed more. Further more you knew that she needed it from you and it isn't like she would be barking up the wrong tree or anything either. You love her. You are in love with her. You know it and she knows it. She loves you too.

Or she did.

Maybe she still does and maybe technically you're not too late, as you suspect that if you stepped into the dressing room where she is changing into that stunning Vera Wang wedding dress and confessed your undying love, she would choose you. For years she chose you and she will now, if only you would open that door and open your heart.

But you can't.

You can't because she is your best friend, your heart and soul – your everything. A single thought of her smile can warm you to your core, but you know you suck in relationships and you're pretty much married to your job. She deserves more than that. She deserves to be happy and he does that, he brings her happiness. Loving you would only lead her to long nights of worrying if you'll be coming home. Sure she already worries about you, but at least she has him. You're too reckless and stuck in your ways to be the one that goes home to her.

It hurts worse than recovering from your self inflicted gunshot wound, but in your heart your reasons are equally as noble as the day you shot Marino through your own body to keep your brother and Maura safe. You would do anything to protect the ones you love, whether they like it or not. Sure you briefly contemplate whether she will slowly withdraw from you once she says the words, 'I do', but you know in your heart that she will understand. Because she is the only one that understands you; she is the only one who has ever been allowed a glimpse into the inner depths of your soul. She understands the trust you have placed in her, so no, she won't leave you. She will still be there at work and you will still hang out, but she'll still have him.

As it should be.

You're pulling on your jacket from your dress blues when your mother quietly enters the room and gives you a concerned once over. She's looking at you the same way she does after you come home from the hospital following yet another close call. At least this time she won't be nagging you to quit your job, but you know what she is going to say and you try to head her off. "Don't Ma, I'm fine."

She closes the distance between you and fiddles with your tie, which had been perfectly straight. You can tell that she's nervous but determined to speak; her eyes aren't as bright as normal. In fact her entire face drops solemnly as she almost whispers, "It's not too late baby. Go to her and tell her how you feel."

The more you think about it the more you realise you have only seen your mother look like this once before; when your father left. Her heart is breaking for you and this is her attempt at encouraging you to step up, because she knows you almost as well as Maura does. Your breath escapes with an exasperated exhalation and you bat her hands away before turning back to the mirror so that you can straighten your tie. Your eyes meet your mother's reflection, "Ma, she's getting married in ten minutes. It is beyond too late. She's happy. He makes her happy."

"But what about you Jane?"

"What about me Ma? This is Maura's day. The only thing that matters to me is that I do what she asked of me."

Your mother's face falls further and she shakes her head sadly. You know she's wise beyond her years and you want nothing more than to take her in your arms and thank her for loving you the way she does, but you don't because that would bring you undone and you need to be strong. Instead you stand stoically and listen as she says, "She loves you Jane and you're making her settle for him."

"She loves him," you growl in frustration. You don't need this. Your chest is already aching painfully without your mother reminding you of exactly what you're losing.

"Always the martyr," she mutters before leaving you alone with your thoughts.

She has a point. You're always playing the role of martyr, but in this instance you're sure that it is the right thing to do. Because you are the martyr by nature and that part of you will be your eventual undoing on the job. The thought of leaving Maura alone because of that hurts more than watching her marry a good man who will love her for the rest of his life. She needs him even if she doesn't realise it.

You shake your head in an attempt to clear your thoughts. You finish doing up your jacket and stare at yourself in the mirror. You look imposing and as much as you find the dress uniform stuffy and stiff you know it radiates power and strength. You need to absorb all the strength from the uniform for what you need to do. Your usual unruly mane of dark curls has been tamed into a neat bun on your head and your eyes stare back at you accusingly.

You are sacrificing your chance at happiness and your eyes betray you. A heavy sigh escapes your lips as you contemplate the truth behind the statement that the eyes are the window to the soul. Your soul is pissed, if that's the case. Good thing your mind is in control, otherwise five minutes before she is due to walk down the aisle you would be busting down the door and whisking her away. Yep, good thing your head is stronger than your heart and soul.

You remind yourself that she loves him and that he makes her happy. You want her to be happy, safe and loved for the rest of her life. You can do this. You can do what she asked of you. You can watch her marry someone else. You can allow her to have the family she always yearned for. You will do this.

A soft knock at the door drags you from your thoughts. You swallow thickly when you open the door and stare uncontrollably. She's standing in front of you and she looks absolutely incredible. The dress isn't overly extravagant; it's simple and stylish and accentuates all her curves. You have never seen her look more beautiful and you've seen her in a lot of gorgeous dresses that fit her perfectly. "W-w-wow," you stammer inarticulately. She is stunning.

Maura smiles shyly and says, "Thank you."

You step aside so that she can join you in the room, but you could have sworn you had five minutes up your sleeve. You close the door behind you both and take a moment to compose yourself. You suck in a deep breath and brace yourself for what you might see in her eyes. You plaster a smile on your face and turn around.

Silence greets you both, as neither of you really know what to say. She just stares at you for a minute and you stare in return, completely mesmerised by her beauty. When you come back to your senses you realise that you don't know what to say. So you say the only thing that comes to mind, "So…"

She studies you openly and you know the smile doesn't reach your eyes. You know she can see this when she speaks, so much sadness in her tone given that she utters just one word. "Jane…"

Your name.

"Do you love him?" You could slap yourself for giving her this opening. You pray that she doesn't take it. Of course she loves him, she said yes when he proposed.

She doesn't hesitate. "Yes I do, but Jane…"

You throw your hand up in the air to stop her. "No Maura. That's all I needed to know. You love him and he loves you. I'm happy for you."

You pray to a God you're not sure you believe in anymore that she accepts what you've had to say and doesn't make this anymore difficult for the both of you. Your heart is thumping rapidly against your ribcage and you wonder whether it might just stop beating, but at least you would be in good hands if that happened. Maura wouldn't let anything happen to you, she needs you as much as you need her. Maybe you're being selfish, but she needs more than a reckless homicide detective in her life. She needs a family of her own.

"Okay," she says softly, "I was just going to tell you that you don't have to do this if it is going to hurt you too much. Arthur has shown up after all and…"

"No!" You bellow, "I made a promise to you Maura and I will keep it. Besides, you should be given away by someone that loves you unconditionally." You're pretty sure she only asked you to be the one to give her away because it was the only way you could both get closure for the feelings you refused to explore with her. She needed you to be the one to hand her over to him, and regardless of how much it hurt, you would do that for her. Because you aren't lying, you do love her unconditionally. You will always love her, unconditionally.

She turns away from you and you start to panic. She's going to cry and it's all your fault. You don't want her to ruin her makeup. You hate it when she cries; it just tears at your soul and weakens your resolve. You quickly wrap her up from behind, resting your chin on her shoulder. "Don't cry Maur, it's going to be okay."

You feel her lean back into the embrace and cover your hands with her own. Silence engulfs the room while she composes herself. Your heart beats so hard you have no doubt she can feel it thrumming against her back. An intense ache permeates throughout your entire body, but you remain steadfast. You _will_ walk her down the aisle.

She breaks the silence with her whisper, "Why am I not enough for you Jane?"

You close your eyes and feel your gut clench in agony. How do you make her see that this isn't about her being enough? It's because you're not enough. "You're more than enough Maur," you choke out through the lump in your throat. You feel the burn of impending tears and step back from the embrace to wipe them away with the back of your hand. "But I am destined to break your heart. Nate won't. He'll hold it close and protect it with all that he is."

Her eyes flash with a hurt you haven't seen since you shot Paddy, but she nods almost imperceptibly and offers you a fake smile. "You are right," she agrees, offering her arm to you.

Pain is all you can feel, it takes everything you have not to double over with the physical manifestation of the hurt that shoots through every nerve ending. You have finally broken her will. Years of denying her this opportunity has led you here and now you hate yourself, but it's what's best for her. She's spent too much time alone in her life. Now she'll have a husband and a best friend, and her best friend's family. She'll have so, so much. It's everything you have ever wanted for her, but if you were to change your mind, now is the time.

You take her arm and lead her from the room and down the hall, where you both wait until the music starts indicating it's time to walk her down the aisle. The first note rings out and she steps away from your hold to face you, gripping both your hands she says, "I love you Jane."

You squeeze her hands and smile sadly, "I love you too Maur. Now let's walk you down that aisle, we don't want to keep Nate waiting."

She returns to your side and you keep your promise. You walk her down the aisle past her family, who surprisingly understood Maura's reasoning for you to be the one to give her away. Arthur didn't really have a leg to stand on given the damage he caused her, but you thought that maybe Constance would want to give her daughter away, but even she appeared to know that it should be you. You smile big as you guide Maura past the guests; you've never felt like a bigger liar than you do in this moment, but she is worth it.

You reach the end of the aisle where the priest and Nate are waiting. All eyes are on you both as she pauses for a moment to look at you before dropping her eyes to your linked hands. You know her so well; she is telling you that regardless the embarrassment, if you step up now she will choose you. You glance at your joined hands, not even cognisant of when her arm had slipped from yours and her hand into yours, and while it is the only thing in the world that has ever felt perfect, it's too overwhelming. You look up into her eyes that are starting to water; you feel hot, bitter tears streaming down your face as you then look over at Nate who is watching you both expectantly. You have a decision to make.

And…

You let her go.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you so much for reading. It has been a little while since I've been able to complete even the shortest of stories, since finishing Catch 22. I'm still a little lost with my muse, but it wanted me to get this story out there. Please be kind or constructive with your reviews.**


End file.
